Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this week’s news from the fair land of Egypt, the place so magical that the state’s institutions spend all of their effort in putting a smile and a chuckle on its citizens’ faces.
We start our broadcast with the latest update regarding the military’s miracle cure, the CCD, by General Dr Ibrahim Abdel Aty, whose team also announced that this invention cures the “viruses” of cancer, diabetes and sexual impotence. News that Dr Abdel Aty is an “honourary general” –given an honourary military rank- spread far and wide, but not as much as the new allegation that he is not really a doctor and that he has a lab technician degree. A high-ranking security source has explained the confusion by announcing that the military didn’t give him the rank of “honourary general”, but that of an “honourary general doctor”, because why not?
The inventors of the other military invention C-FAST, the Hep-C and AIDS detection stapler-gun, have been quick to distance themselves from the CCD invention, but so far haven’t been able to explain how their invention requires no power source except “the holder’s body’s static electricity”, or how it has a detection range of 0-500 metres, which means you can detect sick people half a kilometre away with it. This is a scientific breakthrough on its own since my TV’s remote control cannot switch my TV on from five metres away, and it has actual batteries.
Not to be outdone in the news cycle by current military personnel, this has been the week where ex-military officers offered great insights on the issues plaguing the nation. On one channel we had the secretary of deceased ex-VP of Mubarak, General Omar Suleiman, insisting that while the late General is dead, God can resurrect anyone and we should not be surprised if he did. Another ex-high ranking military officer broke the news that according to some treaty back in the day, Egypt owns one third of Ethiopia, and if Ethiopia insists on building its dam, Egypt can and will take that treaty, along with the land-ownership contracts, to international courts and demand the return of its rightfully owned land in Ethiopia. Once we win this case, the international courts will surely alert the international police station in Ethiopia, who will send a police force to enforce the ruling, cordon off a third of Ethiopia and hand it over to us. We would like to inform the Ethiopians that this is an extreme measure that we don’t want to take, but will surely do in case they continue their ridiculous insistence on practicing their sovereignty.
Speaking of army officers and police stations, yesterday, the Giza neighbourhood of Imbaba was rocked by clashes between an army officer and the local police station. It seems that a local police sergeant has hit on the sister of the army officer, so the army officer went to the police station, attacked the sergeant, used his APC to storm the gates of the police station, had his soldiers open fire from the APC on the police station, and once there was a proper cross-fire between the two sides, proceeded to teargas the police force at the station as well. There has been one reported casualty amongst the police, where a police sergeant has died due to “a sudden drop in his blood circulation” after the cross-fire started, but this is in no way code for “the military personnel shot him dead” or anything. We would like to take the opportunity to state that we stand by our great and honourable military against the bad, treacherous and possible Muslim Brotherhood agents in the Egyptian police, and would like to inform them that if they attack a police station once a month, they will most surely lock-in the revolutionary vote for the impending-any-day-now Field Marshal Al-Sisi’s bid for the presidency.
Speaking of which, many people are still wondering why the great Field Marshal did not announce his candidacy yet, and thanks to the widely-read El-Watan news paper, we now have the answer. According to a great piece of investigative journalism on their part, and according to a confidential source in the security apparatus, Al-Sisi has been delaying his candidacy for three reasons: (1) Receiving intelligence of imminent terrorist attacks in Egypt once he announces his bid, planned by the MB, western countries and of course Qatar and Turkey, and the delay has been to buy time to uncover those plots, (2) Receiving intelligence of plots by the CIA and the intelligence apparatuses of other countries aimed at assassinating Al-Sisi himself the moment of his announcement, and (3) Putting the final touches of the great regional alliance that Al-Sisi is creating personally, which will include Egypt, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and the UAE on one side, to counter the western alliance in the region that is comprised of the US, the UK, France, Turkey and Qatar, naturally.
The source has also stated that there are current attempts to “seduce the Chinese Dragon” to join this alliance against the US-led Western Alliance, ensuring that our alliance will have at least two vetoes in the security council, alongside all the oil of course. The methodology of this seduction is still hazy on details, but alongside the news of our AIDS cure, one could infer that it will be a shameless and no-holds-barred seduction where no sexual protection will be required. This fantastical feat of international diplomacy will be allegedly announced by Al-Sisi himself upon his candidacy, and will surely be such a slap to America’s face and will shake the White House so hard that the chandelier in the Oval Office will most surely fall on Obama’s head. This naturally explains how the harsh statement that Saudi attacked Russia with this week was nothing but strategic deceptions, and that any day the Kuwaiti military will kick out the American military from its bases to be replaced with Russian – and God willing — the “Chinese Dragon’s” military, all because Al-Sisi wills it so.
This concludes our news-cast this week, and we will be looking forward to seeing you next week, when we beat the North Koreans in their efforts to put a man on the sun.