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Happy New Year, Infidels! - Daily News Egypt

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Happy New Year, Infidels!

Egypt is about to face an economic nuclear winter

Mahmoud Salem“Those who speak of Bankruptcy are the Bankrupt ones.”

So said Morsy to thundering applause in his speech to the newly-appointed-already-Illegal Shura Council, as he laid out his vision on the state of Egyptian economy. I couldn’t suppress my laughter as I watched him say this from a café in Heliopolis, nor could I suppress my falling on the floor holding my belly from laughter as I heard him talk about how great Tourism is doing, and how, for the first time, our debt is only 87% of our GDP. Only.

Morsy is hilarious. It’s an undeniable fact. He is even more hilarious when he gets exposed.

That same day, as if on cue, the Central Bank of Egypt issued a statement stating that the financial situation is, to put it mildly, catastrophic. The Tourism Board heads and Hotel Owners flooded the TV Channels, talking about how low the reservations are, and how they are not expecting any new tourists for another quarter.

Highly anticipated news reports of untapped wells filled with Tourists in Sharm ElSheikh, Hurghada, and Luxor did not materialize, unfortunately. Wherever those tourists are, they sure are hiding those sneaky bastards, with the help of the lying god-less media, of course.

Two days prior, the Central Bank of Egypt issued a Bond Sale that got cancelled because no one bought anything, thanks to the new credit rating for the country that has put it in the same economic league as Greece. That same day, Pakistani President Ali Asif announced that his Party will not allow the implementation of the “Egyptian model” in Pakistan. And yesterday, the Egyptian pound plummeted against the dollar, reaching its lowest official level in Egyptian history, with people not being able to find dollars in exchange offices to replace soon-to-be-worthless Egyptian pounds.
But we are the bankrupt ones.

Egypt is about to face an economic nuclear winter, a crisis the levels of which are unprecedented and for which the current government is completely and totally unprepared for. Interestingly enough, this is happening just as the Shari’a Constitution has gloriously passed, and Islam has finally strengthened its foothold in the land of the Pharaoh –worshipping infidels. God will surely send manna from heaven at any minute now, given that this depraved atheist country has finally seen the light and the way.

After all, our President is a praying President, and one day this country will see the glorious economic stability and advancement of similar non-oil-wealthy Islamic states like Afghanistan, Somalia and Sudan. Praise Allah and hide your dollars.

In other news, in a much ignored segment in Khairat Al-Shater’s press conference during the constitutional referendum “Fitna,” the country’s real president said and I quote “Production needs to be resumed, investments revived, and those businessmen who have escaped abroad must reconcile with the government and come back. But how can I do that without legislation? This is why we need the constitutions to be passed, so we can elect a parliament and issue that legislation and start working.”

In another interview, a government official stated that they are about to start the “final 5 year development plan” that Mubarak’s regime put in place. When asked why they are using Mubarak’s plan instead of the MB fantastic Renaissance Project, he ignored the Renaissance project and said that the Mubarak plan is a great plan and should be implemented. I guess that the Renaissance project and the 200 billion dollars investments that were coming with it were more phantasmal than fantastic after all.

But we are the bankrupt ones. Indeed.

Personally, I see no reason why the MB government should reconcile with evil Islam-hating businessmen, not should they hold a national dialogue with the immoral Allah-hating opposition on the economy. I personally recommend the President instead stick to his Islamic economic vision, and hire the next government fully from the Islamist camp.

I recommend the appointment of Hazem Abu Ismael as the Minister of Justice, Mohamed Hassan as Minister of Finance, and Yasser Borhamy as the Minister of Tourism. Those are the best people for the job, since they all pray and have beards. Who needs economic policy, or education, or experience, when you have Quran- memorizing men running the country? We will see immediate results. Allah willing.

I also recommend that all of you non-islamists to keep your decadent evil ways and not repent at all. I believe you should keep your bankrupt ideas and useless education to yourselves, and maybe go to other God-hating countries to join them in their orgy of sin. Also, please don’t buy from MB owned businesses or hire Islamist leaning employees if you voted no to the constitution; you don’t want to pollute their God-approved payroll with your devil-worshipping money.

After all, the unprecedented prosperity that the Islamist rule will bring in any minute now will surely bring stability and will not end in a hunger revolution two months maximum from now. I, being from the bankrupt evil immoral wicked minority, am already jealous and envious of the glorious path ahead of us, and of the unprecedented love and hugs that Morsy will get from people all over this country. Jealous and envious I tell you. Just like those damn Christians and their evil

Happy New Year, Infidels!

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  • Dr. Reda Sobky

    Now that the election is coming i think you should get vigorous again and run for office under the combined six party coalition slate. I know everything looks bleak and I totally support your view of how absurd things look but we have to live in this world, so go to it. Doublespeak is one of the marks of this kind of rhetoric where reality is denied and a zombie type following develops echoing the same untruths, there is nothing new about it. However, the presence of an actual credible political alternative will be new for Egypt if the opposition can unite. Yalla ya mahmoud, do it.

  • neil

    part of me laughs,, as the satire is biting,
    but part of me is saddened,
    that the target is too easy,
    that the Saudi Wahabism, as one polarized end of an otherwise dynamic system (with Egypt’s Sufi and Hanaf at the other end), is destroying the brains and hearts of men who originally sought a pious life,
    and then destroys countries, first Somalia and Sudan, then Afghanistan, and now Egypt.

  • Shawn G

    Me wonders as a US citizen living in the Midwest of America that it might be a good time to see Egypt for the first time would I be safe or welcome so long as spread around some of my nasty Godless US dollars. I’m trying to lean more about the religion of Islam and what the Prophet did so many centuries ago. Like Christ I bet Muhammad would have had a sense of humor. Oh well. Peace be with everyone I hope Egypt likes being a Theocracy for a will. Shawn

    • Fas

      Yes, you should come, just avoid areas where protests are planned. You will find the people you meet to be gracious and welcoming and not so bitter and snarky like the author of this piece.

  • Shawn G

    PS. If I offended anyone the sorry and good. Hopefully an offended mind is a good chance to learn

  • Far3on

    Beautifully written article Mahmoud with a great sense of humor and insight into what is currently gripping our beautiful homeland Egypt. Not in my wildest dreams could I imagine Egypt deteriorating to this shameful level. I am one of the so called “Infidels” and I wish you and your family a happy new year and a joyful Christmas.
    My prayers to God are for the safety of Egypt and all Egyptians – Christians and muslims.
    Far3on (the Infidel)

  • bob

    islam is the borg of earth, by asssimilating others into there collective.be careful what you wish for , you just may get it.

  • Said Ramadan

    yea yea big shot! so what do you think the solution is? I see that you are breaking the news and you make the worse comes to worst…..why don’t you act as a wise man and invite people to invest their money in Egypt instead?Why don’t you invite the Egyprian themselves to stop demonstrations and their ill-aimed oppositions?
    please try to stop this chitchat and let the ball rolling to come out of this tight spot>>>
    wishing the best for all !!!!!!!!!!!!.
    Long live Egypt!!!!!!!!

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