The greeting card industry has the world by the short and curlies with the genius of February 14th. Products packaged directly for romantic love, with the killer guilt add-on, if you don’t buy in, you don’t love your mate.
True love is rare. Puppy love is pubescent and courtly love is for the poets. But what we all know too well is when love is over. The break-up, the knife in the back, cheating, lies, a Dear John letter or the infamous line, ‘its not you it’s me’.
Anyone waiting to make a fortune should turn to an anti-Valentine’s Day message.
A company name waiting to be trademarked is The Valentine’s Day Massacre & Co.
Flowers, chocolates & romantic dinners mean diddly squat when the tears are rolling down the cheeks and your intestines are in a thousand origami folds, because you have just received an email message with the news, ‘Its not you its me’. And the so and so still hasn’t repaid those five hundred bucks.
The Valentines Day Massacre Company could, for a price, relieve some of those emotions with 12 dead roses, live insects, prank calls, endless spam or your own greeting card with you and a gorgeous model sent to all the ex.’s friends, colleagues and family on February 13th – Revenge Day.
Was it the Florentine, Machiavelli, who once said? ‘Don’t get mad, get even’. Probably not, but it would send the right greeting card message.
Count the times you have fallen head over heels. Now count the times you have been unceremoniously dumped. The time when you were at a party and you saw him hanging off the arm of some bimbo. When her friends were given the task of breaking the news or as in one case I heard recently, a Dear John letter written in Nepalese and the poor sucker, who was saving humanity in Uganda at the time, had to wait two weeks to have it translated.
Falling in love on Valentines Day is one in a million I’ve scientifically calculated, but you forget the flowers and or card and the odds of your celebrating Revenge Day next year look pretty good.
It was only this week that Marlene finally relented and accepted an invitation from an airline pilot for a drink at a Zamalek restaurant. When it became obvious to the fly boy that Marlene was not getting on board, he pulled back on his joy stick and bailed out, leaving Marlene to pick-up the LE150 cheque.
My brother, who lives in Tokyo, Japan, hit the eject button for a different reason recently; he could no longer afford the bills from Prada.
Falling in love is the easy part, falling out of love is when you need all your cunning. Which Amy found out when she returned home to find that her mate of four years had packed and flown the coup after reading in her diary that she had fallen in love with another. Ouch. Never read the diary, it’s never going to be pretty.
Of course this Wednesday, Valentines Day, is mostly going to be disappointing for 99 per cent of singles. Why harbour such hope that true love will arrive on a designated day? I am thankful when the mail arrives.
But if you have read this far then you must be desperate and single, so here is my tip for Wednesday.
Prepare early. 48 hours is ample time to create a buzz. Start emailing and SMS, short sharp messages along the lines of: ‘Wednesday lets party?’ ‘Wednesday lets dance’. ‘Wild wacky Wednesday’. Strictly singles only.
Stage 2: On Tuesday, 24 hours out, pick a venue then email or have invitations delivered. A fax is classic if you have access and the numbers. Choose somewhere casual, local and with music.
Stage 3: Come Wednesday; decide on your secret date. Contact him or her along with 3 friends and meet early at your place, before going on to the party venue.
Stage 4: At the party you must have eyes for no one else. Don’t be obnoxious or too cool and aloof. Be the perfect host or hostess and when the moment is right lean in and say … sorry, you’re on your own with the line, but remember to include future plans.
At the end of the day, if the truth be known, I met the love of my life on Valentines Day at a party on Ismail Mohammed, but I am not giving away my line, the best of them come from the heart. Happy Valentines!