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A Year in Review: Not so long ago in a galaxy not so far away

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A serious analysis of the ins and outs of the political alliances and coalitions that will contest the upcoming parliamentary elections

Wafd Party headquarters in Dokki – 7 pm

Sayed Pasha had been pacing back and forth for the best part of an hour. Known to the world as Dr El-Sayed El-Badawi, chairman of the New Wafd Party, the pasha was actually the reincarnation of a Saadist politician from the 1940s.

The Saadists were a splinter group that broke away from Wafd after its first leader Saad Zaghloul Pasha died. They felt that the policies of his successor Mostafa El-Nahas Pasha betrayed the party’s principles. Wafd defeated them in every single election.

Sayed had come back to exact revenge, vowing to destroy the party. At first, his behaviour aroused no suspicion, most logically assumed he was one of Safwat El-Sherif’s agents tasked with taking down Wafd, which suited him just fine.

After the revolution most thought he would step down or at least keep a low profile, but the pasha saw it as an opportunity to launch a full assault and bring Wafd down once and for all.

The guests started arriving around an hour later. First were the people from the Egyptian Conference Party, formed from the merger of 20 smaller parties. The party is a part of the Egyptian National Movement coalition, in turn part of the National Salvation Front; making it effectively a coalition within a coalition within a coalition. #inception

Then came representatives from the Free Egyptians Party (not to be confused with the Egypt Freedom Party or the Free Egyptian Party), the Egyptian Social Democratic Party and Tagammu’. The three had contested last year’s elections together as part of a leftist-liberal-social democrat alliance that had nothing in common politically or economically because apparently you’re not allowed to be the “we hate the Muslim Brotherhood” coalition. They collectively achieved nine per cent of the vote.

Finally, a big shot arrived. Former Arab League Secretary General (and Mubarak foreign minister but we don’t like to say) Amr Moussa, one of the NSF’s leading troika, was here. Three minor party leaders immediately greeted “Amr beih” and declared him leader of their parties and formed a new coalition. He now led seven. “Damn,” he thought as he lit his cigar and stared thoughtfully into space.

Amr Hamzawy then made his way into the room, dishevelled. He had just finished eight talk show appearances in the last three hours and was tired. He needed to be here though; or else he would have nothing to talk about, having exhausted the notes from three different political science courses already.

Cameramen and photographers started appearing out of nowhere and calling out “ya rayess” (hey president) which could only mean one thing: Hamdeen Sabahy was here. Sabahy waved to the cameras and gave Hamzawy a dirty look, for the two knew that once this current conflict is over they have a score to settle. The hair wars would be upon us.

The purpose of the meeting was to discuss candidate allocation on the unified list the NSF is putting forward in the upcoming election.

“I will fight for every Egyptian. Poor Egyptians on the streets, workers in their factories, farmers in their villages, for our battle is a battle of justice and it is the battle for all Egyptians because… justice and… Egypt? In the name of the nation I will be the next president,” said Sabahy.

He added that for him to achieve this glorious revolutionary goal the Popular Current needed the most seat allocations. Abdel Hakim Abdel Nasser, Khaled Youssef and the Adl brothers burst out clapping.

It was at this moment that Dostour Party Chairman/Nobel Peace Prize winner/NSF coordinator Mohamed ElBaradei walked in.

“You’re late,” said Sabahy.

“A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to,” responded ElBaradei.

He then proceeded to explain that the allocation should purely be based on the qualities of individual candidates regardless of party affiliation, but the other leaders were having none of it.

ElBaradei had enough of these people. He was specifically sent here as an agent of change to guide them, not to lead them, but they could do nothing themselves. Furthermore they kept making ridiculous demands like asking for him to address them directly instead of the obviously more advanced and comfortable Twitter for iPad™ method he developed.

They also took his regular visits to consult with the Powers That Be as “escaping to the comforts of his Vienna lake house” which was preposterous. It wasn’t his fault the powers preferred a more European atmosphere.

“Listen you fools: we are entering the dark tunnel. It is as if no revolution took place, and the only way to escape the dark tunnel is to fend off the evil that lurks in Mount Doom – I mean Moqatam. The Eye of the Supreme Guide is upon us, he knows our weakness is disunity. We mustn’t let anything break this fellowship up, otherwise, all hope is lost.”

Wasat Party headquarters – 7 pm

“I can’t believe the Brotherhood screwed us over like that,” bellowed Wasat Chairman Abu El-Ela Mady.

“I know! I had already got my new business cards printed and everything,” said former parliamentary and legal affairs minister Mohamed Mahsoub. The card read “Prime Minister Mohamed Mahsoub.”

“Prime minister? Don’t you mean deputy prime minister?”

“What? No, they were going to make me prime minister if we helped them pass the constitution”

“They told me the same thing!”

Wasat Deputy Chairman Essam Sultan fixed his eyes on the middle distance before uttering just one word. “ElBaradei,” he said.

“It’s all his fault, it’s always his fault. He is out to get us.” He then wrote three Facebook posts about it.

Asad ibn Furat mosque in Dokki – 7 pm

Sheikh Hazem Salah Abu Ismail sits at a table with his followers around him. They are finishing off a sheep, the last of the spoils from the Media Production City Conquest.

“We have attacked the Wafd headquarters, intimidated the police and the media, are there any further orders? What is thy bidding my master?” asks one of Hazemoon, the Sheikh’s elite Republican Guard-style squad.

The sheikh rose, a herculean task that took a few minutes considering his size. The lion of Islam then laughed heartily before explaining that the wheels were set in motion.

Resignations from the Salafi Nour Party were coming left and right, all defections to join Abu Ismail. Al-Qaeda leader Ayman Al-Zawahiri endorsed Hazem, Salafi youth dissatisfied with the capitulation of the sheikhs to the Muslim Brotherhood’s secular constitution would join him in droves.

He was set to win parliamentary elections, amend the constitution and allow dual nationals to run for president. In less than four years Hazem would be president and start work on the united Islamic caliphate.

Then he would be finally be empowered to carry out his plan: Egypt and the Islamic world will become nutmeg free.

Guidance Bureau in Moqatam – 8 pm

The Supreme Guide is tending to his bolognas when the call comes.

“Khairat, the secular infidels are meeting now. They are discussing their unified electoral list. They will surely disagree,” says Mohamed Badie as he waters the potted  plants.

“And this information comes from?” asks El-Shater.

“Agents Abdel Meguid and Nour, as always,” responds Badie.

“Excellent. We will run alone this time, the opposition will surely crumble, and we will secure the majority. I will finally take over and steer this ship properly. I have to admit the title Prime Minister isn’t as fancy as president, but it will do for the first three years.”

“Get Morsy and Talaat on the phone. We need to discuss those “overthrowing the ruling regime” cases.

About the author

Ahmed Aboulenein

News Reporter

Ahmed Aboul Enein is an Egyptian journalist who hates writing about himself in the third person. Follow him on Twitter @aaboulenein

  • Dr. Reda Sobky

    There is nothing more effective than political satire, try turning it into a play format and have it acted almost in real time so you could have a weekly running narrative that reconstructs humorously concurrent political events. You only need four or five actors and you could do voices with voice over narration like they used to do with egyptian movies broadcast on the radio. This piece could be done very effectively this way you could do both sides. Maybe we could do crowd funding for it to get it started, i know i would help. Otherwise, keep up the good work.


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